I never had significant issues with writing anxiety before I published my first book. When I wrote fanfiction or other stories, the activity was enjoyable. I could do it for hours and be completely relaxed. “Reawakened Flames” flipped a switch in my head. It may have been partly due to the health anxiety. I was already struggling with my mind telling me that I would never live to publish a book. Something was still different though.
I sat down the first day to start working, and I only lasted about fifteen to twenty minutes before I had to stop for the day. My mind was spinning and in a turmoil. I couldn’t understand it. This had never happened before. I had also never worked on a story that I was for sure going to publish.
I was alone in this endeavor, and I was worried I would completely mess the book up. What if I wasn’t as good of a writer as I thought I was? What if everyone hated the book? People had loved my fanfiction, and I even received an excellence in English award in college, but I was still nervous that I wouldn’t be good enough to write and publish a book.
For the next few days, I was still only able to work for the same amount of time before the anxiety was too much to handle. It constantly told me that my writing was terrible, no one would ever read it, and this was pointless. If I wasn’t sure how to word a sentence and just put something to come back to later, it would say how horrible the sentence was. Or it would criticize my word choice.
Luckily, every session got better. Twenty minutes turned into thirty and then an hour. In a few weeks, I was able to work on the book for several hours. The anxiety slowly faded away until I could finally write with ease again.
I paced myself and kept pushing forward. If I really didn’t feel like writing, I didn’t force myself to. I know the anxiety can seem so bad at the beginning that you almost feel like quitting, but it is worth it to keep moving forward. I try to focus on more positive thoughts and encourage myself to keep working even if I’m unsure if what I have written sounds good. I can always come back and fix it if I can’t come up with a good idea in the moment. If I know there needs to be more to a scene but am out of ideas, I know I just need some time away from it, and I’ll come up with an idea soon enough.
I felt so proud when I finally completed and published my first book despite all my struggles. The next book was easier, but the anxiety can still flare up. I’ll probably never get rid of it entirely. However, it is easier to push the anxiety aside. Writing has breathed new life into me, and no matter what the anxiety says, I’m not allowing it to stop me.
“You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page.”
—Jodi Picoult