Since there are two older versions of “Reawakened Flames,” I thought it would be cool to look back at them and point out some differences. I can even give some writing tips here and there. This series of posts will look back at edition one, which was published and available for a few months. There are a few copies floating around. The text of edition one will be shown in black font, and my notes will be in red and italicized.
Because of some fear that book vendors might consider that putting the full manuscript of edition one out is putting it in the public domain and then might take down edition two from sale, I will be removing sections of the text that don’t need to be there and will just focus on major differences. Some of the sections are almost identical between the editions anyway. There will be lines that are worded different and some that didn’t make it into edition two. Even though I am putting the original text online of an old version of the book, I still own the copyright of edition one.
I was still very new to writing an actual book and never got this one looked at by an editor. I used only the knowledge I knew at the time about writing and went for it. That’s one of the big pitfalls about self-publishing. You can get so excited that you don’t slow down and think about what you’re doing. I learned that the hard way. However, it did make edition two of the book much more professional in the end.
The front matter in this edition was about the same as its successor. A preface, pronunciation guide, and map were absent. Edition one and edition two will be referred to as E1 and E2 from this point forward.
1
Toranon
Everything was great until one day, everything is not.
I started with place names to let the reader know when it switched back and forth between characters because I had seen movies and shows do that, and I thought it looked cool. Later, I realized that I could do this more subtly in the narrative and took the labels out. Also, E1 was written in third person present rather than third person past. Once again, it seemed like a good idea at the time but became confusing when I had to talk about something that happened in the past. This chapter was particularly difficult in that regard. I like the opening line in E2 better. This one is a bit dull.
Aria, the only daughter of King Garne and Queen Amelia was like any young adult, reckless and with a distinct lack of fear that anything could go wrong. The princess with long, wavy brown hair and hazel eyes was full of life and loved every minute of her existence.
She is destined to one day rule the kingdom of Toranon. Her life is filled with surety, and her path is already set before her. She lives in a castle in the heart of the kingdom. Mountain ranges border the country to the north and the east. To the south is a vast forest, and to the west are bordering kingdoms and the sea.
In E2, the wording of these lines is more elegant and better punctuated. This is the case for most of the text. I won’t waste time pointing out all the grammatical errors in E1 but know that you’ll see plenty. I also switched back and forth between country and kingdom. In E2, I simplified things by just using kingdom. I also had different spellings for Torrannon and other names in E1. I changed them so they would be as unique as possible. It might not have been necessary, but what’s done is done. As far as the geography, I originally thought the castle would be in the middle of the kingdom. Once the map for E2 was done, the castle wasn’t quite in the middle, so I took out “in the heart of the kingdom.” You will also notice that the locations of everything on the map were flipped from E1 to E2.
The castle itself is moderate in size, not anything grand, with a high wall encircling the fortress. Light grey stone adorns the structure with four towers on each corner of the great, tall keep in the middle. Villages pepper the lands around the castle. The immediate area outside of the walls is a clear meadow. To Aria, this always felt like safety and home.
For some reason, I originally thought saying that the castle was “not anything grand” was a good idea. I thought of Aria and her parents as humble royals, but they were not the only ones to ever rule. I changed it to being a grand castle. The sentences here also feel very dull with not very interesting adjectives and descriptions.
Then one day, her mother fell ill with an unknown ailment. The king and his healers did everything they could to save her, but she died before they could diagnose the cause of her sickness. Garne and the healers suspected intentional poisoning, yet they never found any proof. Amelia had been loved by the people, so they didn’t know who could have been responsible. The exact cause of her illness remains a mystery.
The only major change was that I used “mom” to refer to Amelia from Aria’s perspective in E2 unless it was necessary to say the name. This is an idea I have used since then. I was thinking that it would deepen the point of view by having a character refer to a parent by mom, mother, dad, father, etc. rather than their name. I made this change very late in the editing process for E2, and I really like it.
That night, everything changed. For twenty-four years Aria understood the world to be black and white regarding illnesses and health. There was always an obvious way to fix whatever ailed a person because the ailment could always be identified. When they could not be healed, there was usually a clear-cut reason. She thought no sudden unknown dangers existed that could bring down someone so strong and full of life.
I used to use italics to put emphasis on words. It was almost always used in fanfics, and I saw it in a few books. I eventually abandoned the practice after reading Self-Editing for Fiction Writers. The narrative looks cleaner without it.
Aria had never been an anxious person before, maybe a bit of a worrier at times, but never excessively. Now, she didn’t know how to be calm and content anymore because anything might be out to get her.
The sense of safety and home disappeared in the ever-growing fear of the unknown. Darkness seemed to wash over the princess, suffocating her mind and invading her thoughts. No matter where she sat, she felt like the walls of the world were closing in on her. Aria now saw monsters and danger where she once felt peace and contentment.
I referred to Aria, Jayce, and Landa a lot as “the princess,” “the guard,” and “the phoenix.” My editor taught me that I shouldn’t do this. It deepens the point of view more to not refer to the characters like that all the time. After I removed them, it made the story a lot smoother.
[part removed that talked about Aria’s first panic attack]
Aria attempted to stop to take a few deep breaths whenever she felt anxiousness coming on. She found that the method helped to ease her nerves, but the seeds of anxiety had already been planted and grew slowly each day.
Why did this have to happen right after I said everything would be okay? What else could go wrong?
I also used to use italics for inner thoughts. Of course, I’m not saying you can’t do it, but for me, I found that the structure of the story flowed much better when I weaved inner thoughts into the narrative.
[part removed about symptoms]
It’s either the anxiety or something is terribly wrong. I wish I could immediately tell which one it is without jumping to conclusions. Why can’t I trust my own judgement anymore? Why can’t I trust my body to be healthy?
Judgment is spelled without an extra “e” in American English. With the “e” is the British version.
[part removed about trouble sleeping and nightmares]
The most frightening part was the voices. She wasn’t imagining other people talking in head. The anxiety constantly taunted her.
Already a typo. There are plenty of these in E1.
Are you sure that chest pain is really because you are congested today?
Were you actually anxious when you felt your heart beat a little harder in your chest just now?
Was that stomach ache because you had a small panic attack earlier? Are you really sure?
If this symptom is not from anxiety, then it could be the sign of something really wrong with you, maybe even something deadly. You could die because you can’t tell the difference and don’t seek treatment fast enough!
This was also a major change. I took out the voices parts because they didn’t feel right. I didn’t want it to be interpreted that Aria is actually hearing voices. The narrative flowed better after I changed it.
The anxiety didn’t just focus exclusively on her health. Eventually, the fear bled into her daily life.
Training to wield weapons meant she could die if she mishandled one or made a major error. Handling fire could lead to any number of ways something could go wrong, even burning the whole castle down. Lighting a candle now took twice as long because she didn’t want to make a mistake. Something as simple as walking up or down the stairs could lead to visions of falling.
How Aria would have burned down a structure of mostly stone, I don’t know. That’s why that detail was removed.
You’re going to slipup if you aren’t extremely careful. You could kill yourself or even other people.
As the crown princess, Aria frequently helped her father look over matters of the kingdom and gave her opinion. She made speeches when required and accompanied her father outside the castle to visit the villages. Mostly, she was just learning all she could to be queen one day.
That would be much easier without anxiety now plaguing her thoughts.
In some cases, I pulled lines out because they didn’t seem important at the moment. The line about Aria making speeches deviated away from health anxiety fears. The chapter was getting so long and started to feel more like a list, so I took things out that felt like rambling. Aria’s daily routine, duties, and how the anxiety might affect those will be handled later. They just didn’t belong here. There has been a lot of planning involved with this series, and even though I only have a rough outline, there is a method to the madness. If details of something are omitted from a story, it’s probably because it will be covered more in depth in another book or short story.
You’re going to fail. You’re going to make an embarrassing error, and your people will never respect you. They’ll realize what a failure with a messed-up mind you are.
Shut up, she responded even though it never worked.
[part removed about her thinking about her troubles with the mental illness]
Now, anxiety and depression both scream in the crown princess’ head all day, every day. They have their claws in too deep to pull them back out easily. Aria can feel fear and hopelessness at the same time. This is no state of mind to be in when running a kingdom and having the people depend on you or to live day to day life.
A couple of months after E1 was published, I read it again. From the first chapter, I was very disappointed. It wasn’t the book that I thought it was. Looking back at this chapter, I can see how wordy and clunky E1 is—not to mention the poor grammar. I did so many revisions on the first chapter for E2. Some parts were deleted, and others were moved to chapter two. I know chapter one is mostly narration, but it felt correct for the story that I wanted to tell. I didn’t want to go overboard with pages and pages of anxiety scenes, but it needed to be explained enough to understand what’s going on with Aria so the rest of the story could move along. Whether others consider it right or wrong, I feel like it’s right for this book.
Copyright © 2018 Lindsay McCafferty